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<< I'm still willing to entertain a well-written 2nd verse.
(not just ideas of what might work...)
It's just 6 short lines.
How hard can it be? >>
How about impossible?
Being cute... using your words...
my world is a sad song that can't hurt any worse
I'm still willing to entertain a well-written 2nd verse
not just ideas that will work to erase her memory
I need just 6 short lines. How hard can it be
to end this heartache that never takes a break
I'll keep doing just what it takes
i'm gonna weekend her off my mind...
or to seriously walk into the trap.... Let the 2nd verse tell how it was you screwed up the relationship so irretrievably.
I'd spoken the words I knew I had to say to her
about the love I'd shared with another girl
She couldn't understand because she'd always been true and mine
I could only watch her walk away and really leave this time
a year of weeks won't ease my broken heart working overtime
drowning in regret and needing a way to forget
i'm gonna weekend her off my mind...
BIAB 2025:RB 2025, Latest builds: Dell Optiplex 7040 Desktop; Windows-10-64 bit, Intel Core i7-6700 3.4GHz CPU and 16 GB Ram Memory.
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Floyd, you have had many winners but this may be your best to date.
Unclear if the pianist is a total beginner or a professional jazz player?
64 bit Win 10 Pro, the latest BiaB/RB, Roland Octa-Capture audio interface, a ton of software/hardware
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Back for another try. I figured that I'd include the failed ideas, because I figured I'd show exactly how hard six little lines could be!  First, I tried to come up with ideas of what the chorus could be about. No point in rhyming it out if the idea was too weak. 1. Adding a bit of history - how his weekends used to be: "I used to look forward to the weekend,
Spending time just her and me
Now I can't stand the thought of being alone without her"This didn't seem at all different than what you already wrote, and really didn't move the story forward. 2. Contrast "sober" vs. "stone cold drunk": "I've got to stay sober to keep my job
It kills me to remember what i've thrown away
Come the weekend, I'll wrap myself in a drunken haze"Again, not really bringing anything new to the story. 3. Contrast how he's doing with how she's doing: "She's got her friends with their glasses of wine
They've helped her to move on
I've got nothing but empty rooms
and my bottle of cheap booze"The idea seems worth exploring: she's social, and has her safety net of friends to fall back on, while he's a loner with nothing but a bottle. The contrast of her sharing a drink with friends while he's drinking alone is appealing. But the chorus is about use drinking as a means of forgetting. So it's not that great a fit with this song. 4. The "time" element - short term vs. long term: "Time might mend a broken heart
But I can't see that far ahead
I can barely make it to the weekend"Well, at least it attempts to lead to the idea of the weekend. But it doesn't do anything to justify the song's chorus. And it's too cerebral, instead of emotional. 5. Drinking is a sin: "Preacher came by to tell me the error of my ways
When I was with her I was in Heaven
Now I'm on the path to Hell'
But I don't care, I'm gonna..."I sort of like this, but it's already been established in the prior line that Sunday wasn't spent in church. So unless the local preacher makes house calls, it's a bit jarring. Still, it's got some promise. 6. A bit a pathos: "Too late to show her I love her
Now what'll I do with this diamond ring?"I like the idea of of the engagement ring he never gave her, maybe because he waiting a bit too long. But does it support the chorus? Not really. 7. Ironic self awareness: "Cut my face but I keep shaving
Watch the water spin down the drain
Seems some kind of metaphor
For a Country song's refrain
Slick my hair back and I'm ready
To wipe her from my brain"I think this is a bit closer to what I'm aiming for. At least, it tries to add new detail and transition to the chorus at the end of the verse. On the downside, it is a completely different voice. 8. Stoic acceptance the relationship is over: It's over, yeah I understand
Gotta cut my losses, and change the plan
Nothing I do, nothing I say
Will bring her back now that she's walked away
There's only one way that I can see
to stop the memory of her from killing meI initially had the line "take it like a man", but I think "change of plan" supports the theme of the chorus better. And yes, in your rhyme scheme, the inner rhyme falls on the second to last line, not the final line. This is the best I could come up with. Not that it's better than your verse, just the best I could come up with. 
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I'd spoken the words I knew I had to say to her
about the love I'd shared with another girl
She couldn't understand because she'd always been true and mine
I could only watch her walk away and really leave this time
a year of weeks won't ease my broken heart working overtime
drowning in regret and needing a way to forget
i'm gonna weekend her off my mind...
I'm not keen on the idea of adding a "I cheated on her" element. It put the singer in too bad a light - (always an unforgivable sin in Nashville). Not to mention (mention it anyway) there are far too many words there to fit the melody and have any chance of it "singing" (which is AS IMPORTANT as saying what you want to say). 1... This didn't seem at all different than what you already wrote, and really didn't move the story forward. 2... Again, not really bringing anything new to the story. 3... So it's not that great a fit with this song. 4... ...it doesn't do anything to justify the song's chorus. And it's too cerebral, instead of emotional. 5... Drinking is a sin: (This idea pretty much kills the Chorus idea)6.... But does it support the chorus? Not really. 7... On the downside, it is a completely different voice. 8... Not that it's better than your verse, just the best I could come up with. ... but thanks for playing our game! 
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Man, I just love listening to your mixes! Just a pleasure through both the 'phones and the KRK's. Drums sounds great, loops I guess, heck, everything sounds great. I like the "weekend her off my mind" concept, especially liked the "friday i'm gonna jim beam 'til i'm blind" line. Been there, done that, and for the same reason. Not recently mind you  Good one floyd, as per usual. Enjoyed several listens. Thanks, Dave. (I always enjoy you mixes, too!) Dang - fantastic work here - as it has been mentioned, you knocked it outta the park with the mix. Loved the vocals and the instrumentation is on point. Wouldn't change a thing! Thanks for sharing Deryk - it is always nice to have you stop by... Floyd,
Simply superb arrangement and production of a good , nicely quirky write.
Listening to verse 1, I thought " oh,its a list song", but you got the days of the week done and really floored me with that Jim Beam line.
Your vocals are a textbook example of good performance captured, professionally processed and tastefully harmonised.
Excellent!
Robert Robert - thanks for that very nice review.... Hi Floyd,
Wow, this is such a catchy and appealing sounding song. The cadence at first reminds me of Mary Chapin Carpenter's "Passionate Kisses".
The instruments all flow and blend seamlessly. Good write , consummate professional vocals and harmonies.
If you plan on making another CD to sell on Amazon, I would highly recommend you ad this song to your playlist! Bawb - thanks for all of that!!
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Floyd,
This song is so dang lyrically clever especially the first verse and the chorus. The chorus knocks my socks off...love that chorus!
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<< It put the singer in too bad a light - (always an unforgivable sin in Nashville).>>
Love this remark because isn't it always the new artist or song committing the 'unforgivable sin in Nashville' that turns Nashville on its head and into a new direction?
To be fair, I knew from the beginning that my thoughts were a minority view and deleted it... You've been more than fair to allow my comments to be openly discussed and I acquiesce to the Forum group to overall, this is a good song... as I stated even in my deleted post...
Last edited by Charlie Fogle; 10/30/20 01:32 AM.
BIAB 2025:RB 2025, Latest builds: Dell Optiplex 7040 Desktop; Windows-10-64 bit, Intel Core i7-6700 3.4GHz CPU and 16 GB Ram Memory.
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Hello Floyd, What more can be said here, you just keep churning them out each as good if not better than the last. When listening I just hear little things that add to your song, which makes it sound such a pro production. A good write and production. No doubt your next one will be just as good as well Thanks, musiclover! Hi Floyd,
I liked those choruses a lot!
The song is very cool, powerful but also sensitive.
All instruments sound so very bright, as if you're standing next to them.
But that's always the case in your songs. Constant quality!
I envy that a little, but it's also good to realize it is achievable without jumping into expensive studios.
Have a nice day,
Hans
Thanks, Hans!!
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Hi Floyd,
you did it again: I'm sure I'm gonna hum that chorus at least until bedtime today... An excelent song (what else would we have expected?), I really love the lyrics (although I personally would stop jimbeaming prior to blindness, but I got the picture). Great voice, great singing - loved the listen a lot.
Stay well,
Stefan
Thanks, Stefan. Good to see you back around... yeah, that jimbeaning thing is not advisable... "If by 'standard fare' you mean good enough to become a standard, than I agree." Leon nailed that! This is exponentially the best song we've ever heard that mentioned Jim Beam Jim oughta be mighty proud to be part of such a great write. We hear a wonderful mashup of a bit of an old school country write (albeit it better by far than the standard fare of the period) with a more modern sound in the backing tracks. We weren't halfway through the first listen before Janice commented on how much she always loves your vocals and then proceeded to school me on how you phrased "i'm gonna weekend her off my mind." Perfect as she said. The band? Wow! Great use of BiaB, loops and your contributions. Seamless, airy and on the KRKs. And we love the artwork! J&B Thanks for all the great comments, y'all! Nice to have each of those things recognized...
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Ok, this ain't fair. How do you do it? Why can't *I* write half like that? Ok, sir ... what's your secret? I'll pay you for it if you're willing to disclose :-)
Seriously, though ... hats off. What an effort. If this is your "standard fare", we (all of us other songwriters) are all doomed ... :-)
Bravo. Thanks, James! "Standard fare." Hahahaha. Oxford dictionary says: "standard: noun 1. a level of quality or attainment." Floyd, if you are the standard, that's just not fair, man. Right from the germ of an idea you raise the standard. "Weekend her off my mind." "Jim Beam till I'm blind." Oh, yeah... from a previous comment of mine on your posts, ditto. Thanks, Marty...
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Great song man. May be standard fare, but your standard fare is always a cut above! Hope you are great dude!
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Floyd, you keep producing great song after great song. But it's not just your songwriting; your vocals are always first class. Also, the mixing/mastering of your songs is something to aspire to (though I find the standard of your production equal parts intimidating and inspiring.
Cheers,
Mike Thanks for the nice comments, Mike. If it's any consolation...you skills making instrumentals intimidate me!! Hi Floyd,
Seems everyone has picked up on "Standard Fare" so I won't mention that.
You're gradually getting me listening to more country these days and I can
still be a bit picky about what I like, but I DID like this one.
It was the lift into the chorus which sold it to me - loved that.
Hey, I looked down the list of RTs and saw a Brent solo, so I knew that
I was in for a treat, thank you. (Could have been longer?)
Great vocals and mix as usual - played it nice and LOUD on the big speakers
and it hung together beautifully.
Cheers,
ROG. Thanks, ROG. I always enjoy hearing your thoughts on how these turn out... I'm actually listening to more stuff outside of Country these days, so I guess we are BOTH "growing"
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Floyd, I love the delicate nature of the backing instruments in this! It really gives this a beautiful texture! Your lead vocals are always excellent but I'm just as impressed with the background vox! Another top notch song in your ever expanding song catalog! Take care, T
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Hello floyd jane,
Superb composition. Your voice and your words are in perfect harmony. The mix is impeccable. I really enjoyed it. I don't know all your songs but frankly I enjoyed this one.
Kindly regard
Dero13
alias JaniJackFlash Thanks, Dero... Hi, Floyd !
This is your best so far !
I just love your vocals so
much !
Great song in every aspect !
Cheers
Dani HAHAHA - Thanks, Dani... FJ,
Nice Modern Country tune. Classic FJ. Like your phrasing on this! Overall instruments/vocals exceptionally well timed & matched. Vocals are A+. Mandolin was an excellent choice. Enjoyed my listen and thank you for sharing.
Misha.
Thanks for having a listen, Misha... appreciated...
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This is a strong one Floyd. That chorus is really sweet. Your facility with lyrics is really impressive, and this line was a classic: "i'm gonna weekend her off my mind friday i'm gonna jim beam 'til i'm blind" Here's an idea - your next album title is: "Floyd Jane / Standard Fare" Just kidding Great stuff - keep 'em rollin'! Ed - Thanks! Good to have you stop in... Floyd I am and have been a fan. Thanks again for a great tune to listen to. Rob! Good to see ya in the Showcase!!... Thanks... In a word.........PERFECT!!!! Catchy, clever, with a grab you by the heart kind of appeal!! I've said it before with a few FJ songs, but if I were teaching a class in songwriting, this would be one to study! Everything placed just right!! I've never heard that phrase so I'm guessing my buddy Floyd created it but it could become a standard phrase. Behind Floyd's center field fence, there are so many balls you couldn't even walk through!! BRAVO my friend!!!! Take care. Greg Greg - couldn't ask for a better review than that! Thanks!!
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Lovely vocals, your voice has so much character and is instantly recognizable. Another great production.
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Floyd, you have had many winners but this may be your best to date. Thanks, Mario!! Floyd,
This song is so dang lyrically clever especially the first verse and the chorus. The chorus knocks my socks off...love that chorus! Always appreciated, Scott.... Great song man. May be standard fare, but your standard fare is always a cut above! Hope you are great dude! Thanks you, Mr Snyder!!... Floyd, I love the delicate nature of the backing instruments in this! It really gives this a beautiful texture! Your lead vocals are always excellent but I'm just as impressed with the background vox! Another top notch song in your ever expanding song catalog! Take care, T Thanks, Torrey... good to have you back!... Lovely vocals, your voice has so much character and is instantly recognizable. Another great production. Frank - thanks for stopping in!... (I hope I did not miss anyone - apologies if I did...)
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Hi, Floyd.
This is super great. Really love the hook: "weekend her off my mind". Such a great line. Great structure to your song. I really admire your lyrics. Excellent instrumentation & mix & singing too. Quality all around.
I read your response to Deej about Helicon. I'll have to check that out. I didn't realize that was part of BIAB.
Cheers,
Todd
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