PG Music Home Forums General Discussion User Showcase Weekend Her Off My Mind

Hi Floyd,

you did it again: I'm sure I'm gonna hum that chorus at least until bedtime today... An excelent song (what else would we have expected?), I really love the lyrics (although I personally would stop jimbeaming prior to blindness, but I got the picture). Great voice, great singing - loved the listen a lot.

Stay well,

Stefan

"If by 'standard fare' you mean good enough to become a standard, than I agree."

Leon nailed that!

This is exponentially the best song we've ever heard that mentioned Jim Beam

Jim oughta be mighty proud to be part of such a great write.

We hear a wonderful mashup of a bit of an old school country write (albeit it better by far than the standard fare of the period) with a more modern sound in the backing tracks.

We weren't halfway through the first listen before Janice commented on how much she always loves your vocals and then proceeded to school me on how you phrased
"i'm gonna weekend her off my mind." Perfect as she said.

The band? Wow! Great use of BiaB, loops and your contributions. Seamless, airy and on the KRKs.

And we love the artwork!

J&B

Ok, this ain't fair. How do you do it? Why can't *I* write half like that? Ok, sir ... what's your secret? I'll pay you for it if you're willing to disclose :-)

Seriously, though ... hats off. What an effort. If this is your "standard fare", we (all of us other songwriters) are all doomed ... :-)

Bravo.

"Standard fare." Hahahaha. Oxford dictionary says: "standard: noun 1. a level of quality or attainment." Floyd, if you are the standard, that's just not fair, man. Right from the germ of an idea you raise the standard. "Weekend her off my mind." "Jim Beam till I'm blind." Oh, yeah... from a previous comment of mine on your posts, ditto.

Thanks, moto!!




Thanks, Scott...




jpt3 - thanks for the nice comments...

Hey Floyd, I posted my thoughts earlier and promptly deleted them because I felt some may find the post overbearing and offensive. In my deleted post I stated, yes, this is a great song, expertly produced and performed but I went against the grain of every other post and expressed that I think lyrically the song got off to a great and strong start through the first verse and chorus but faltered at the second verse. The first verse and chorus lines were catchy, had the hook and have been quoted and pointed out for clever use. I felt you struggled with the second verse, loss a bit of focus, repeated the same ideas of the first verse and chorus in a more cliched way. In my post, I said the second verse felt to me, orphaned from the song. Dynamically, the storyline deflated rather than build. Maybe you'd like to expand on how you lyrically developed this song.

Floyd, you keep producing great song after great song. But it's not just your songwriting; your vocals are always first class. Also, the mixing/mastering of your songs is something to aspire to (though I find the standard of your production equal parts intimidating and inspiring.
Cheers,
Mike

Hi Floyd,

Seems everyone has picked up on "Standard Fare" so I won't mention that.

You're gradually getting me listening to more country these days and I can
still be a bit picky about what I like, but I DID like this one.
It was the lift into the chorus which sold it to me - loved that.
Hey, I looked down the list of RTs and saw a Brent solo, so I knew that
I was in for a treat, thank you. (Could have been longer?)

Great vocals and mix as usual - played it nice and LOUD on the big speakers
and it hung together beautifully.

Cheers,
ROG.

Before going further, I would like to address Charlie's comments.





And here is what Charlie wrote earlier and deleted (re-posted with his permission)





I can understand the thought/perception that the 2nd verse is a "let down" to some degree.
A valid point to at least express....

I don't fully agree with your assessment that:
"By the time we get to the second verse we already know that you stumble your way through your daily grind. That your broken heart is working overtime. That every minute of every day, you wonder how you ever let her walk away. That you're drowning in regret and you need to find a way to forget..."

The setup of the song is dependent on the day list.

One "trick" that can be used when you find that your first verse is stronger than your second verse is to simply swap the verses to allow the stronger verse to fortify or build on the theme. I have done that on more than one occasion (often, in fact).


In this case that was not an option. In order for the chorus to have the impact that it does, the first verse needed to be the list of days since the list continues into and defines the chorus.

So after "the list", I chose to present the week as a whole (and the weeks to come) in the second verse.
The main goal must be to have a legitimate path back to the chorus.
Certainly, that should not be a rehash of verse 1.
The 1st verse was an intial realization (of a "new" heartbreak)
The details of the 2nd verse were intended to be a bit deeper into the longer-term-lasting-effects of that hearbreak. A summation. Perhaps a resignation to an enduring pain (as opposed to the inital immediate pain/shock).
I am comfortable (and satisfied) with that. I think the "summation" verse is a valid writing tool when it is the strongest option available (which, for me, in this case, it was)


As Steve told the story of You Never Even Called Me By My Name, Coe told him specifically WHAT he left out - not just that "something was left out".

With that in mind...

I would be really interested in any suggestion you (or anyone else) might have for what a 2nd verse should look like.
Hopefully, I am not coming off as defensive here - because I REALLY am interested.
If you (or anyone else) presents a better 2nd verse, I will record it in place of the current verse and give you co-writing credit and re-post the song.
You could even put it in the Songwriting forum as a "writing challenge" if you want.

(And, for the record... no one should ever feel like they cannot express their opinion in a thread I post. I know - I certainly get the impression - that there are those who think I point out mixing aspects that they would leave "unsaid". They are opinions. I try to be respectful. Everyone doesn't have to agree - and often do not. They are, after all...opinions.)

Hello floyd jane,

Superb composition. Your voice and your words are in perfect harmony. The mix is ​​impeccable. I really enjoyed it. I don't know all your songs but frankly I enjoyed this one.

Kindly regard

Dero13
alias JaniJackFlash

Hi, Floyd !

This is your best so far !
I just love your vocals so
much !

Great song in every aspect !

Cheers
Dani

Thanks, Leon!




TM - the opening mandolin is a simple loop along with an acoustic guitar "chunking" that I recorded (with my banjo coming in a bit later). The RT mandolin is filling out the choruses. Thanks for the listen and comments...

FJ,
Nice Modern Country tune. Classic FJ. Like your phrasing on this! Overall instruments/vocals exceptionally well timed & matched. Vocals are A+. Mandolin was an excellent choice. Enjoyed my listen and thank you for sharing.

Misha.

This is a strong one Floyd. That chorus is really sweet. Your facility with lyrics is really impressive, and this line was a classic:

"i'm gonna weekend her off my mind
friday i'm gonna jim beam 'til i'm blind"

Here's an idea - your next album title is:
"Floyd Jane / Standard Fare"

Just kidding Great stuff - keep 'em rollin'!

Floyd I am and have been a fan. Thanks again for a great tune to listen to.

Well, since everything useful has been said, (and I agree with) I'll take a stab at a rewrite.

Not because I think I can do better, but... I can't resist the challenge.

But first, it was great being able to get "behind the scenes", so to speak, on the songwriting in your response to Charlie.

The second verse feels like a bridge to me. I agree, it does everything it needs to do, and for what the song aims to be, it's works perfectly well. But perhaps verse two could do something else?

You've already used the list in the first verse to go through the days of the week, and the chorus to hit the weekend.

One option would be to take another swing at the weekdays again. This seems weak, because it can sound like it's just repeating the same thoughts as verse one all over again. So it's got to be different somehow to make it work.

Maybe rhyming the weekdays to keep it subtle (yes, I'm just repeating the first verse here, to see what happens):

one day i won't be missing her
look to the day that it will no longer hurt
when i say i'm not sorry or sad
there's a way i can stop from going mad

Urf. That didn't really work, did it? Not clever enough by half, and it's another list (in that it echoes verse one).

How about what she's been up to during the week? Completely ignoring the established meter:

monday i found she had unfriended me
on tuesday her friend stopped by to give me back my keys
wednesday i tried calling but her new number's unlisted
thursday she serves me papers that say i'm ceased and desisted

It doesn't tonally match, because it's way over the top. Instead of building on the misery, it's completely unbelievable.

Which, some people might say, makes it a poor solution.

Those people are the "no fun" people at parties.

OK, one more crack at the "days of the week" approach, even though I know it's going to end badly.

last monday i was kissing her
then tuesday she walked away
...

Urgh. Nothing clever, just the same old cliche.

That's all I've got.

"One "trick" that can be used when you find that your first verse is stronger than your second verse is to simply swap the verses to allow the stronger verse to fortify or build on the theme. In this case that was not an option. In order for the chorus to have the impact that it does, the first verse needed to be the list of days since the list continues into and defines the chorus."

There's always a place for a song to go. I see four paths.

. Leave verse two 'as is', it's there and I'm the only voice with a nit. It obviously works as intended.
. My first thought about verse two was the same as David's, make it a bridge - Verse 1, Chorus, instrumental, bridge and final chorus. As a bridge, change the chord progression, feel, or even the tempo.
. Reverse the verses but add the days again - I agree with you and David here. It's a weak path that doesn't build the song but it's a logical path because one has a bad day that turns into a bad week, that becomes bad weeks, months, years and sometimes forever. A bad day is never forever.
. "How about what she's been up to during the week? " If a rewrite is in order, this is the one. Two good ways to do it.
- A. Continue in the first person but develop what you hear about how she's taking the breakup.
- B. Rewrite verse two from her perspective, having 'her' describe her first week in days the same as your verse one perspective - Enlist Janice - develop the song as a duet similar to Sheryl Crow/Kid Rock's "The Picture".

<< Monday -stumble through my daily grind
<< Tuesday, this broken heart working overtime
<< Wednesday, he's on my mind throughout the day
<< Thursday, wondering why i let him walk away
<< This heartache never takes a break
<< I know just what it takes

In a word.........PERFECT!!!! Catchy, clever, with a grab you by the heart kind of appeal!! I've said it before with a few FJ songs, but if I were teaching a class in songwriting, this would be one to study! Everything placed just right!! I've never heard that phrase so I'm guessing my buddy Floyd created it but it could become a standard phrase. Behind Floyd's center field fence, there are so many balls you couldn't even walk through!! BRAVO my friend!!!! Take care. Greg

It seems to me that David "answered his own question"...

Writing about what "she" has been doing could work.
However, doing it by listing the days again (in my opinion) would make the song "cheesy" sounding. I fact anything that listed the days again would do that. But you might be able to do it without listing days.

Turning it into a duet is really "something else", and therefore, not addressing the "issue" (if there is one). And, again, (in my opinion) with the following the "list the days" thing, you end up with something "a little too cute" for my tastes. Donnie and Marie territory... And she would have to be singing the same chorus which would bring up the question of "why don't they just get back together?"

I'm still willing to entertain a well-written 2nd verse.
(not just ideas of what might work...)
It's just 6 short lines.
How hard can it be?

Thanks, ray. I always look forward to what you have to say about a song...




Alan - thanks for the fine review... It is nice that we have this audience of friends to get a few listens and a few comments - and sometimes a few suggestions... What a great forum!