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Cool narrative and song..ah.
I think the voice is pretty good...ah but a tad mannered in the lounge styling tags.
You've managed well with voice and band sounding "together".
Well done.
rayc, I agree with you about the voice. I'm still pleased with it. As far as the voice and band sounding together, you know how I've struggled with that, so thanks for noting that the problem doesn't exist here. No guarantee it won't crop up again, but I hope not. Thanks for your help with it.
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some never get past their adolescent obsessions over a girl...sad but true
Firesong, I actually thought more people would look at this the way you did. My original goal was to write a song that outcreeped Radiohead's Creep. But most commenters have said the character is relatable. I wasn't expecting that. So I think I'm going to have to rewrite this, maybe. Thanks, this was helpful.
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A familiar theme but, getting close to bordering on obsession.
I think it might be nicer to end it with a more positive uplifting conclusion.
Moto, I agree, eight to ten years of an average guy hopelessly dreaming about an unobtainable goddess is certainly obsession, and probably warrants more than a session or two with a psychologist. I'm thinking of rewriting this. I'm not sure I can give it a happy ending, but I'm considering all possibilities. Thanks for your helpful comments.
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Enjoying this now while reading previous comments.
Please, no happy ending! If anything, I can hear this as the lament of an "incel" that ends with mass casualties. Probably farther than you'd want to go but you could hint at it...
Last edited by Mark Hayes; 02/03/22 08:49 AM.
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Good rocker.....Well written song. I like it.
Thanks JPT, all I do is write the songs so that means a lot.
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Very cool rocker tune...excellent arrangement & production...
Thanks, BH, it was more work than it may have seemed to arrange this and get the dynamics right. I feel like it's one of the best things I've done. Reviews have been good but not the 'glowing OTT' that I thought it would get. Oh well, back to trying to write that one great, memorable tune.
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Please, no happy ending! If anything, I can hear this as the lament of an "incel" that ends with mass casualties.
Yes! This guy is an incel candidate. My original goal was to write a song that outcreeps Radiohead's Creep. From comments here, it seems apparent I need to include some lines to indicate this guy is more like an incel. TBH, I had to look up incel but that is perfect for what I'm trying to portray. Thanks, MH!
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TM,
I interesting write. Reminds me of grunge bands of early 90s. I am not sure if cello works well with this particular tune. Maybe pizzicato, just to accent rhythm would fit better? Fun tune regardless. Good effort by your singer too. Greenday and Radiohead come to mind.Thank you for sharing.
P.s. ha ha just read your Radiohead comment above.
Misha.
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I am not sure if cello works well with this particular tune. Maybe pizzicato, just to accent rhythm would fit better?
Well, I love the cello but you and others have commented that it may not be the best fit. So you got me thinking, Misha. Maybe a synth playing the same notes? Something with a theremin-like quality? I'll try the pizzicato and see how it sounds. Open for suggestions.
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Caught this on time  TM... I am not saying cello does not work with harder tunes, maybe a different melody for it? Check first 20 seconds of this forgotten classic: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ky20ckAHi_E
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Yes! This guy is an incel candidate. My original goal was to write a song that outcreeps Radiohead's Creep. From comments here, it seems apparent I need to include some lines to indicate this guy is more like an incel. TBH, I had to look up incel but that is perfect for what I'm trying to portray. Thanks, MH! Well, you kind of give it away when he says it "sears sears sears" but maybe that's just me. =8^) A video could take care of any undesired ambiguity here, maybe with a quick peek into the closet with that shrine he set up all those years ago. It's still not much, just a wood box with a few old photos of the girl he never had, a candle he never allows to go out, and a fresh cut rose he replaces every morning. I guess true incels don't do shrines, they're too hostile, but maybe adoration is a phase they go through...
Last edited by Mark Hayes; 02/03/22 10:35 AM.
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<<Well, you kind of give it away when he says it "sears sears sears" but maybe that's just me. =8^)>> I had thought so, but I think the group consensus that he is relatable is a valid one. So I am changing one word that should do the trick. "What would make a guy like me" is going to be "What would make a creep like me" <<A video could take care of any undesired ambiguity here, maybe with a quick peek into the closet with that shrine he set up all those years ago. It's still not much, just a wood box with a few old photos of the girl he never had, a candle he never allows to go out, and a fresh cut rose he replaces every morning. I guess true incels don't do shrines, they're too hostile, but maybe adoration is a phase they go through...>> Brilliant, MH, I love it!
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Hi, Rob. Sorry if this comes off as harsh. It's well written, produced and sung, but - by design, it appears - the narrative of the story doesn't go anywhere for me. Born to be a prom queenYep, POV is not clear at all. Does anyone refer to the television as a "tube" anymore? That sounded a bit dated. The same with "sorry state", "No sirree", "muck" and "Now I was born, it seems..." Lots of incel vibes to this already. The only redeeming line is: Now I was born, it seems, to be a lonely guy
So I can't blame her existence No sirreeI have no sympathy for the narrator. He's basically repeating the same thing over, but there's no build, or reason. He's just fixated on a girl because she's pretty. Oh, I wanted that girl so bad
That for years my life's been muckDoes he mean that his life is terrible because he's in a constant state of wanting? He just stays locked in his room in emotional pain because he's not married to the prom queen? Or is he blaming the all the bad things in his life on the fact that she doesn't belong to him? Either way, creepy mission accomplished!  For me, it just doesn't make a compelling narrative. But I'm not sure of your goal with the song, so it might be right on target for what you're trying to do.
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I'm usually not too crazy about rock (just my taste) but I really enjoyed this one. Powerful guitars with the vocals spicing the whole things up! I think you did a really good job here!
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<<For me, it just doesn't make a compelling narrative. But I'm not sure of your goal with the song, so it might be right on target for what you're trying to do.>>
Hi Dave,
Yes, my goal was to write an unappealing character's story. I am tired of seeing the same old themes lyrically. I wanted to challenge myself and in turn, challenge the listener.
I will take into consideration your examples of dated terms. Some or all of them may be valid. I know I write as if I'm still living in the seventies, but I don't see why that should invalidate anything I've written, even if I'm writing it in 2022. Who is to say this story doesn't take place in the seventies or eighties?
As we all know here, you can get very worked up about nothing. So I'll take the rest of it with a grain of salt. Sorry, that's another term that's much out of fashion. I do think it's important for me to note that basically you didn't like the song. In the end, if you don't reach people, you've accomplished nothing. I still contend the lyrics are strong, but many are not going to like them. I still say it's one of the best things I've done, unpleasant as it may be.
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As we all know here, you can get very worked up about nothing. So I'll take the rest of it with a grain of salt. Hi, Dan. Sorry, I wasn't meaning any of this to be taken as an attack against you, or the song. I was explaining my emotional response to the narrative about an unpleasant character. I think that was your intent, so I'd consider it a success, no? 
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Hi Bob and Jamie, We think many of us recognise what's told in the story. We hope you got over it As for the song: Cool song and Jamie's voice is so suitable for this kind of song! The cello is doing very well here. Rob and Anne-Marie
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Easy to understand how folks can relate to that. Mercifully neither of us went down that path Your singer sits in very nicely with those session guys in your band. We felt the contrast of the cello in a real rocker was very effective. Well done! J&B
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I like the contrast between the cello and the guitars, great job on that. I also liked your vocal and your lyrics; I think many of us could relate to them.
Great dynamics and mix.
Two thumbs up
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I'm not a rocker "obviously" :-) but I thought the song was very well done. I don't have enough skill to comment on what instruments fit as I'll put any instrument in a song that I think will work. Still a good song and the vocalist was fine though I would have liked to hear a "rougher" edge to his voice. I think if he had that he would have lifted the song ever higher. Just my thoughts.
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